High functioned to the limits 

  • Back when our “superhero” found his voice I thought his wee tantrums and meltdowns were the  norm for most 4year olds,and in time it began to manifest into complete meltdowns,so far to the point that I thought mentally I was cracking up. I  would make plans at night for what we were planning to do next day,like for instance I would tell the kids “tomorrow we are heading to the park” or “we will head to see a movie at the cinema” and so on,and come the next maybe something come up or I was feeling weak or lethargic or maybe I WAS a busy mother of 3kids WITH a full time job,whatever my reason for not heading and carrying out my promises to the kids it became over time with letting them down that it was my son who showed me his feelings so much that he would stomp his feet,shout so loud or cry and flap his hands for countless hrs,it slowly but surly became clearer to me that I was actually the one in the wrong,why did I make promises and not follow through with them,would I like it if I were heading to bed at night with nothing but sheer excitement about my plans for the nxt day and my mother let me down the next day?? No i would not!!! I was blind to it all,sometimes I thought he was spoilt,and got everything he wanted and when I seen how upset I made him I thought “oh he’ll forget all about this later” and find something else to amuse him..looking back I couldn’t be further from the truth..you see when he was diagnosed I cried for over 3weeks solid,I spent months watching him sleep,listening to him breathe,feel his skin,hold his hands,stroke his hair..in hindsight I was riddled with guilt,I’m only telling what I experienced here and how I was made to feel at the time,I cried most days when my husband went to work,i actually couldn’t wait to be by myself in the mornings when the children went off to school simply so I could collect my thoughts and stare at pictures of him for at least 2hours (before I had breakfast) which commenced at “lunch time” I hardly ate,I blamed myself,I wondered where it all went wrong..And I was heavily pregnant at this time too,I felt guilty for the harm I could of been incurring to my unborn baby..it was a hard few weeks,and I can completely relate to the parents who have possibly endured the thoughts that I have and the guilt and the “what if’s” and the “if only’s”..and so on..but the long road continues..and what made me wake up was the support meetings that my husband and I both attended one day..I got so much more of an “in depth view” of “their world”. As parents realistically we take things for granted..time being one of them..we rush our lives through parenthood,think about it,we wake up,wash our face,brush our teeth bla bla bla..we rush our children most mornings and can’t wait to have that “me” time,or nip off to work or meet up with friends or go for lunch with our mums or partners..or maybe our hair done or a pampered day at the spa,or browse the shops..yes that’s ok,why not,we earned that time (and still do) to get that bloody break..but in hindsight we are always rushing..rushing ourselves,rushing our children..when in actual fact before you know it one Christmas has just passed and another Christmas is beginning all over again..yup!!! That’s  our time flying by..it doesn’t wait,it keeps going,and we’re still rushing our children..my point I’m making is I learned from that support meeting that day that children with autism drive slow cars..technically their world is slower than ours,their brain is like a jigsaw puzzle,it’s takes time to build..yes that’s the word that keeps springing up..time!! We NEED to embrace our children,slow down,be laxa-daisy,wait till tomorrow to do the white wash..watch them grow,I learned that given enough time and no rushing that our “superhero” changed dramatically..almost like an overnight miracle. It wasn’t fair to be making promises to him that I couldn’t keep,he couldn’t (and still) can’t take the letdown..So all along when I thought my wee man was being spoilt and shouting and flapping his hands ect..he actually had autism!!! 

3 thoughts on “High functioned to the limits 

  1. Wow, your right. It is so hard. Working full time with three kids and then not knowing the effects of a broken promise. I sometimes look back to how I handled things before I knew it was autism. Oh my! I like the reference of driving a slow car. I know it takes my little guy a few seconds to process a question I may have asked him. Makes sense! I am still learning as I go!

    Liked by 1 person

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